And yet, my love for the original Coca-Cola formula does not preclude an equal (or even slightly less obsessive) passion for its soda pop brethren; I absolutely despise Diet Coke and that unabashedly mediocre concoction some refer to as Pepsi. I prefer to call it 'Shit' or perhaps more accurately, 'well-marketed Shit', though to be completely honest, I have never refused well-marketed Shit when the more satisfying alternative was simply unavailable.
First up on the chopping block: Diet Coke.
The sad truth about Diet Coke, at least for those of us who are accustomed to the more intense flavors of the original, is that it tastes -- albeit temporarily -- just like original Coke. In an act of vicious discipline, perhaps as a lesson for having entrusted your taste buds with something promising but entirely unnecessary, Diet Coke swiftly and punishingly betrays you for your foolishness, leaving a sickly sweet reminder on your tongue to never again engage in your adulterous soda-tasting behavior.
Now, to address my concern with well-marketed Shit.
Pepsi is altogether an accurate representation of its target demographic: rebellious, shallow, and uncaring. And therein lies the problem. Not only is its main competitor significantly more delicious, but it feels as if Pepsi doesn't even care. It is so much an inferior product that its continued existence is that much more insulting, a true testament to the purchasing power of the swindled, tasteless masses. My primary difficulty has been in understanding why anyone would choose the taste and fizz texture of Pepsi over original Coke. While Pepsi tends to advertise with sexed-up celebrities and sports a more aesthetically pleasing logo and design, it is also notably less carbonated and thus does not hit the all-important spot. The flavor is sugary sweet, less spicy, and less intense, and the aftertaste is so raunchy that the parent company itself distributes a lemon version of the drink that tries, but ultimately fails, to alleviate this. The utter lack of tingles -- that black swan of the soda-pop industry -- is painfully apparent. And so, I have come to a number of separate, but not mutually exclusive, conclusions. If you are the type of person that specifically orders a Pepsi, then you probably:
a) hate spicy food, thinking for yourself, and living a full life.
b) think 5 payments of 19.99 is a bargain for a clap-activated electric hairdryer.
c) are that older guy grinding up on everyone in the club. Yeah, that guy.
d) use the term 'Generation X' -- and watch romantic comedies to take away the pain of being alone.
e) think Paula is a good judge.
f) enjoy the taste of Diet Coke.
Diet Coke is a cruel, unhealthy mistress, and ordering a Pepsi is acquiescing to watered-down mediocrity. Drink original Coca-Cola and save yourself the heartache.
